Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
