you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
