So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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