dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
