alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
