i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Your penis caused this!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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