I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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