My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
