Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
