she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
