Where is the hickey?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
