in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
