my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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