Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
