No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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