She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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