I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
