I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize