The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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