My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
