I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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