The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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