dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
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I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
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Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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