I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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