the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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