Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
