If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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