Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
