I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Your cock deserves a montage
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
