why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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