you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
