he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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