and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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