i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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