I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
