By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
