my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I believe in your delicious
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
