what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
