and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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