He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
