You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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