Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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