He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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