I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
