just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
