update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
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She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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