we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
