Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I lost the right to judge tonight
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
