OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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