mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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