Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
