I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
