U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
