He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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