I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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