well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
