my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
