You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
